I'm just about ready to go

In less than a month Mike and I are outta here. We have been planning this vacation for about 5 months and I cannot believe it is almost here!!!! Yah! We are going on a cruise to Mexico, Honduras, and Haiti. Neither of us have ever been 'cruising' befor and we are both so excited! I am NOT a cold person. I do not like Winter, I hate anyday that is less than 70 degrees out, and I am not a fan of snow. This trip is really the only thing right now that is keeping me going. I am excited about the whole Christmas Day and all that but it's sad. I just don't want to deal with people sometimes. I know everyone means well, but sometimes I just want to be alone because I am sad or mad that I do not have my little Leah and Maya here any more.

Sooo,....

I have started packing. Am I crazy? Maybe... I am just sooooooo excited!

I got my toes done too. (That's not a regular occurance for me. What's the special occasion: sinking my purty toes in the white sand on various Mexican beaches!)
Now all that's left is to go get Mike some new shirts today, celebrate a couple Christmas parties, finish packing and were off------- woop woop!

Merry Christmas

From our family to yours : )

This was our christmas picture. Not exactly what I was thinking but it was the best we could get. Daisey is just as crazy as ever and little miss Sophie was as grouchy as ever. But,... It's cute and shows our animals' personality. Mike and I always wonder if we pick weird animals or if it is us and how we raise them?!?! Oh well,... they make for fun conversation.

I hope everyone out there has a safe and happy christmas. I know it is hard for me, but try to remember where we got the whole christmas season from. Jesus was born to save us. God gave his only son for us and our sins. A little baby. Whenever I get cought up in the crazieness of the season or start having a pitty party about everything that has happened to me, I have to take a step back and remember...

The True Reason For The Season

God Bless

My thoughts for the day...

As I sit here at my computer, basking in the sun on this glorious day, I find myself being somewhat philisophical. So (as a disclaimer) I will be rambeling on about some stuff that has been running through my head for the past ohh,.... 6 months or so. I would like to remind you that I am only human. I pray to God every night to help me with these thoughts but that darn Satan keeps creeping back in every now and then.
My little girls were born sleeping. And then, a few months later I lost another baby in a misscarraige. That's my life. Unfortunatly, my little girls never got a chance to breath air. I was not able to hold them while the wiggled around or stretched. I had the horrifing experience of knowing that I was carrying two little girls in my tummy that had passed away some few days earlier. I had to go through labor and deliver them, knowing full well that they were already in heaven. Just thinking about it now brings back all the raw emotion of having to deliver my two little girls that were already sleeping.
I find myself comparing my circumstances to others that I have read or heard about. I noticed that I unintentionaly correct people in conversation on what happened to Leah and Maya or about anything else that has happened to me over the past 8 months. I am sorry. It was rude the way that I said it and my intentions were vicious. I just wish so badly that people would understand that we all do not grieve in the same way. We did not all have the same thing happen to us and that's the way God wants it. Some babies got to breath for a day or two, some just minutes, mine, ... none. No matter the situation we all lost our babies.
I would like to dedicate this post to all the mommies out there that had to let their babies go to heaven too early. All of our life situations are special and unique and, like I said befor, that's how God intended it to be (Whether we like it or not). We are all human and we all make mistakes and think things that we later regret. We just gotta keep the faith and know that God is taking good care of our babies until we get there to hold them again. God will help us get through this and He will take care of us as well.
Thanks for taking the time to read my rambelings. God Bless : )
~Kell

Surprise!

It was about one year ago today when we got the surprise of a life time. We were pregnant!!! Oh my goodness were we excited. I actually didn't get a chance to tell Mike until a while later. He was gone hunting when I got the postive test. I was just ready to burst with elation I had to tell someone so I told all my girlfriends befor I told him or my family : ) Ooops! I was just so excited! It's so hard to describe that feeling when you have wanted a baby for a while and you finally find out that you are going to. Excitement, elation, joy, happieness mixed with a little bit of worry and nervousness. Those girls were so loved and wanted. It's just not fair that they were taken from us so soon!
I have been having a hard time getting ready for the holidays. It's been a mix of what last year was like (telling everyone and the 24/7 sickness...) and what I thought this year was suppose to be like (toting the twins around to see the family, the little girl presents, the FOUR stocking not just two,...) This just isn't what it was suppose to be...

What...

...is going on with our animals?!?! As Mike was gone last week hunting, I took care of the animals (as best as I could : ) While doing some house work, Daisey was outside on her collar. I figured she had been out for a couple hours so I would go get her to come inside. This is what I found...
This was taken through the window. I didn't even open the door. She ended up staying outside for a couple more hours! I should have given her a bath but that girl is so strong and she HATES getting a bath it would have been impossible with just me.

Then I continued on my house work and started making a pie when I heard a thump thump. It sounded like Sophie (our cat) was jumping on something. I ignored it and then heard it again a short time later. So as I went to investigate the noise, this is what I found...

Sophie was drinking out of the toilet!!! Her water dish is about 3 feet from where she was but she decided to jump on the toilet and drink out of that instead. She sat there for a good 5 minutes, looked up at me every now and then but continued to sip out the toilet water. I just couldn't believe it. Our animals are soooo weird!

Life, in general

Well,.. There is not much new to post so I thought that I would post a couple of thoughts that I have had over the past few days.
I have been busy, with life, work (coaching), and the crazy dog. I have gotten so caught up, that sometimes I had forgotten to slow down and take life a little slower. But,... sadly when I started to try to do that the other day, all of the sadness from the loss of Leah and Maya started flooding back. I have been a wreck ever since. I just cannot help but to wonder what my life would have been like now. And how badly I wish they were still here. They were taken wayyy to soon!
I sucks that I have to make an effort to be happy. It sucks that I have to make a concious decision to think about the good things in life. Here is my list:
The awesome weather today and for the next couple days.
The political adds will be over soon! Yah!
My health- well,... just my physical health. I am in good shape but my mental health is another story. We won't get into that.
The wicked good apple carmel pizza that I made today. Wow was that good!
Family and all their support. Thanks guys!
Maybe I should just emmerse myself into life again and forget about 'stoping and smelling the roses.' I have allergies anyways! It just stinks that when I get cought up in life, time flies and befor I know it, it is November. Aghh,...

Light a Candle

Today I lit two candles for my two angels in heaven. I also lit a candle on line if you would like to see it go to: http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/message.cfm?l=eng&cid=6934770 You can go to http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng and click on an unlit candle to lite one for someone else.
This is all on an important day. Infant loss and still birth awareness day. Not that I need a specific day to mourn for my girls but I guess it is just a day that we can all set aside some time and remember the good times (even though they were few due to the short time that they were here on earth) and how badly we miss them.
'We loved and always will love you girls! Love mommy and daddy : )'

Various updates

I have noticed that I left a lot of things hanging on here so I thought that I would do a post to update you all on all my loose ends.
-My pinkey is doing great. I have skipped out on therepy a bunch of times and I think I am just not going to go anymore because I can do everything here at home. I have almost full ROM! Yah! It still hurts when I do my stretches but I have notice huge improvements.
-The whole $50 thing went well the other week. I did perfect until I got to Friday when I realized that I had to take Daisey to the vet. So if you don't count that I did OK. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be!
-Speaking of Daisey, she is getting so big. She weighed 35 pounnds at the vet the other week so I am assuming she is close to 40 now. Is so funny, when I squat down to pet her or something she will lean up against me and just about push me over!

This pic was actually taken about a month ago. I have been lagging in the pic department of her. oops : )

OK, I think you are all updated. Have a great Columbus Day! (Whatever that means. Was it on this day when he found America in 1492? I dunno. Whatever.)

Oh What a Journey

Exactly 6 months ago to the day I begain an 18 hour journey that will live in my heart forever. I hope you don't mind but I would love to share that journey with you hour by hour. Are you ready? Here we go,...
Hour 0- I go into the office to see how my babies are growing. Hopeing to see how big they have gotten and how much they weigh,.. all that good stuff.
Hour 0-1: My life changes forever. My world went from this happy joyful ideal life to your worst possible nightmare. My little Leah and Maya were gone. When it happened, no one will know. I just know that that hour was one of the hardest ever. I cried, hard! I asked the nurse to turn the screen off and Mike held me as the nurse did her ultrasound stuff.
Hour 1-2: The doctors tell me what needs to happen and all the possibilities as to why the passed away. I am still a little blury on this part because I was still in shock.
Hours 2-3: We let the family know and go home to try to figure out what the heck is going on with our lives now. There is no way to prepare yourself for this kind of news. Family comes over to the house a grieves with us. I am exahusted at this point. Just about to pass out from my emotional melt-down.
Hours 3-4: Family leaves so I can try to take a nap and prepare myself for what is about to happen the upcoming night. Yah right. I just laid there rubbing my belly hoping to feel somekind of movement. I kept thinking to myself, if I pray hard enough and rub them enough, maybe I can prove the docs wrong and Leah and Maya will be OK. I don't know what I was thinking that for. Silly I guess.
Hour 5: Mike and I pack our bags and head off to the hospital to deliver the girls. This was really hard. When I had originally planned to go to the hospital to deliver the girls, I would have had a diaper bag, a car seat in the car, the nursery all set,... Not an overnight bag with a couple of toiletries.
Hours 5-10: The nurse checks me in and gets th IV going. My doc checks on me regularly. More family comes and goes. No progress and very uneventful so I said everyone can just go home and we will see you in the morning. I was sure that I was going to be there a long time.
Hours 10-13: Time crawls by and I try to sleep. I got a few cat naps but I just couldn't get a good snooze in whith everything that was going on. No real progress.
Hour 14: I started feeling clammy and yucky so the nurse suggested that I try the tub. Sure. It felt really good! The only thing was that I was freezing when I got out. I hated walking to and from the tub (through the halls) because I saw all the other preg girls laboring and walking. Oh how I wish I could have been in their shoes. Seeing them made my emotions go crazy again too.
Hour 15-16: Contractions really started to set in but I thought I could handel it so I just breathed through them.
Hour 17: Contractions are about :30sec apart and I can't hardly catch my breath inbetween so I ask for the epidural. He got there really quickly and scolded me for waiting so long. I just wanted to rip him a new one. Did he know what I was going through. 'I am sorry but I really don't want to be delivering these girls right now, thankyou very much. Just give me the meds so I can relax alright!?!!" That goes well and my legs go numb.
Hour 18: Only about 10 min after everyone left the room and I was just getting comfy I felt a gush. There goes my water. The nurse came running in and befor the doc could even get there Leah and Maya were born. They were so cute! They looked like they were sleeping peacefully. Not how I imagined delivering them. I thought they would come out screaming and hollering. I wish that was the case.
What an 18 hours that was. What a journey my life has been since. Self discovery. Self pitty. Falling in love with my hubby all over. Loving and needing God more than I could have ever imagined. I can't even imagine what He has in stor for the rest of my life.

Challenge

So Mike and I decided to take the $50 challenge. In a magazine that I subscribe to there was an article in there about living off $50 a week. I thought,.... why not give it a try. What's the worst that could happen? We could save some money? Darn : ) The only exception that I am doing is that I get one tankof gas that I will fill up today. (Otherwise I wouldn't even be able to get a full tankand then what would we eat for the rest of the week?!?!) If this goes well, I think I will try to do it next week as well. I don't think we would be able to go much longer than that though cause we got bills to pay!
I just got done making my grocery list from the flyers yesterday and we will see how shopping goes this after noon! Any body else want to go in on the challenge? Maybe it is easy for some people but it will be a challenge for us.

Just thinking...

So as I was laying in bed last night I let my mind wander, as always. I was thinking about my blog and the title. "Continuing on after the storm." Sometimes I still feel like I am in the storm, so I am not yet through it. Or am I? I dunno. Apon furth ponderings I have come up with this:
I am through the storm (I compare the 'storm' I went through to Gustav,... times 5).
I am dealing with the FLOODS of my emotions.
I am trying to put the POWER BACK ON in my faith.
I am REBUILDING my confidence, self-esteem,...
So, yes, I am through the worst of the storm. It's just the aftermath that I am trying to recover from. But I will recover. Life will go on and somedays will be terribly and others,.. not so bad. It's just something that God had me go through and I need to try to grow from it and become a stronger person (as hard as it may seem right now).

On a lighter note, my finger is so much better. All they really did at therapy was massage it and do a perifin wax stretch (which I can do at home because I have one!) But it has helped a lot and we will see if it was worth it or not when I get the medical bill!?!?!?!

And one and two and,...

I am off to go to physical therepy for my pinkey. That just cracks me up. My pinkey finger!!! LOL. I have no idea what they are going to do but the doctor said that if I don't go, I will never get full ROM in the finger. That would suck! He said that things look good, I just have a bunch of scar tissue around the knuckle (which prevents it from bending). So hopefully they will take it easy on me today as my finger is still really sensitive when I try to move it. I will let you all know how it goes.

Not a good day

I don't know if it's because of the weather or what but I am in a super yucky mood today! I miss the girls terribly. I miss the thought of holding them, rocking them to sleep, feeding them,... EVERYTHING! I just want them back and in my arms! ~tear~
On this yucky day and with my rotten mood, all I want to do is lay in bed in my PJs, eat a whole sleeve of oreos with a big glass of milk, watch a sad romance and cry the day away. But, I gotta go meet with the family, put my happy face on, and pretend that everything is juuuuuust peachy! Blach! I just hate it that everyone else's life can go on as normal and I am stuck wallowing in sadness. Aghh,.. whatever.

oops...

Sorry, I forgot to post an update from the blood test. My results were,.... 9! Yah. No surgery for Kellie!! I still need to go in for blood work again to get it down below 5 but I am VERY close!! That's all for now. Thank goodness! I just want my life to be boring for a while! Sounds crazy huh?!?! I would love to go a month with no doc visits, no tests, no worries! Oh well,...

Gettin' another poke

Well, I am off to go get more blood tests. When I had my miscarraige I had to go in and get my hormones checked two times. The first time was 200 the next was 90 (that's a good thing I guess). Now my doc is hopeing for around 30. And I will keep getting poked until I reach 5. I hate getting IV's, blood drawn,... so I asked my doc how long this will take to get to 5; and she said some girls are a 5 the next week and some girls it takes months. I don't think I could handel getting poked on a weekly basis for MONTHS! Oy! That's all for now. God Bless.
~Kellie~

well,....

Ok. I suppose I should share some sad news with you all out there. Mike and I found out we were pregnant again about a week ago.

We were so excited!!! (Can you tell by how big my smile is?!?!) But, a few days later I started spotting and I ended up having a miscarraige the next day (Thursday). I am still kinda in shock! It all happened so fast! We are and then we aren't.

I just keep asking myself why? I don't understand what God has against me. Why does he allow me to keep having these heart aches? Why does he not want me to have babies? Why can't I just have the happy healthy family that I have been longing for so long? So, needless to say, the labor day weekend that I had wanted to enjoy for so long, I didn't. It was great weather and everything but I was stuck in my chair for most of the weekend, having to take it easy.

We did get to go to the Tigers game on Monday though. It was a makeup against the Yankees. It was nice I suppose. I think I did too much though because I am just exhausted today. They lost too, so that stinks. Other than that, there isn't much else going on. I think that's enough though!

Pain

Why does God allow so much physical and emotional pain? So much heart ache? I think I have experienced enough for three life times within the past 5 months. I need prayers. I need Gods loving arms to wrap around me in these next few days! Sorry but that is all I feel compeled to share at this moment!

I've been tagged

Ok, so I have been tagged to tell 6 random things about myself that most people don't know. So,.. here it goes.
1. ) I am just about blind. (For those of you who know your eye's, I am a -10 in both eyes) No joke. If I wasn't wearing my contact right now I wouldn't be able to tell that I was sitting in front of a computer. Thank goodness for modern technology. I always wonder what it would have been like for me to live like 100 years ago. I probably would have been considered the crazy blind lady : )
2. ) I am deathly afraid of spiders. Even talking about it right now gives me the willies. I don't know what it is about 'em but I have to check my bed every night and I am always looking at the ceiling making sure none will drop down on me.
3. ) When I was little I never got a sun burn. I pretty much lived at the beach all summer and my skin almost turned black! I remember when I was about 17 I went to Arizona and I got just a little burned on my nose and shoulders and I couldn't believe it. It was all down hill from there.
4. ) The blueberry field that my husband and I own are all one variety and it is the one variety that I really don't like the taste of (bluecrop, blach). Sorry to all those bluecrop lovers out there : )
5. ) I love, love, love to watch thunderstorms. I especially like to watch them form and come in over Lake Michigan. But I usually don't get to go out that much so watching them come in over the farm is a good second. Lightening is just so cool!
6. ) And finally, I am so sorry to say this but I am not going to vote this election year. The whole politics and 'I promise to fix this' and bashing your opponent over whatever just makes me flusterated. I am sick of it. I personally don't like any of the candidates and ,... yah,... I will leave it at that. (P.S. this is the one and only time I will get into talking politics on my blog. That's it.)
SO that was my tag and now I am tagging Kristi : )

3 Years!

Today is our anniversary!! Happy three years hunny. I cannot believe it's been that long. I mean, I can but it just went sooooooo fast!!

Random thoughts of the day

-As the blueberry season comes to a close, I can't help but be greatful for the bountiful harvest that God has bestowed upon us. We had a great seaon. All the rain and storms that we had in June really helped make the berries bigger and we were blessed with no late frosting. Every thing seemed to go good. (If you could not tell, I am really trying to be more optomistic about things! With everything bad that had happened, I am trying to look through the storm and see the good that has happened!!!)
-But, with the season ending that also means that summer is coming to a close. Bummer. I know that we still have a couple months with fair weather (it's not like it's going to snow next month or anything) but fall sports have started and school is starting soon,...It just seems like I have had my eyes shut for the past couple months and I am now opening them and wondering what the heck happend. Where did the summer go?!?! I want it back!!!!
- Along with that thought, Daisey is getting so big! She now weighs 21lbs. (about 3 times as much as when we first got her) I was looking at the post with her pics on it when we first got her and wondering where the time went?!?!! That was only a little over a month ago! I use to be able to pick her up and hold her like a little baby and she would fall asleep in my arms. Now I can bearly pick her up and when I do she's all wiggly and jumpy.
- I will end this post with a ...ummm.. poem I guess you could call it. I look at it every day (because it is right in front of me when I am on the computer).

"Love is life's most beautiful mystery.
It often comes as a surprise, filling the heart with sudden joy.
Selfless and giving, love places the happiness of another before one's own.
It inspires with it's passion,
Nurtures with it's generosity,
And enriches with it's spirit.
There is no limit to it's magic.
Love is eternal."

I love you Leah and Maya. Mommy and Daddy miss you very much. Amen.

Mixed feelings

Well today was my due date. I am very depressed today as I guessed I would but it's not as bad as I thought. The fact that I had twins made my due date iffy. Going a full 40 weeks is almost unherd of. Had Leah and Maya been OK I probably would have had them 3 or 4 weeks ago. SO that I helps to deal with today I guess. A little. It's just that I keep thinking back to when I found out I was preganant and went to my first doc visit. They told me August 1st, it felt like forever away. And now it's here already. It went SOOOO fast. It was SOOOOO painful.
Needless to say, I am getting through it. Last night was rough but today was a nice sunny day and I am looking forweard to whatever the future may hold. God is watching over my babies and I know that I will see they someday.

How will I make it?

I just can't do it. I can't hold it together for tomorrow. I am sure that 90% is all in my head and the anticipation is the worst but I am just loosing it tonight. I just can't believe they are gone. Why did they have to go? Why couldn't I keep them safe in my belly? They were so cute. You all would have loved them I am sure of it. But none of you got to meet them. *Tear* How unfair is that! I need prayers. I need God tonight! Lord help me. Lord please take good care of my girls. Tell them that mommy loves them SOOOOOO much and misses them terribly! Oh so terribly.

The crazyness of everyday life

We are still trying to figure out our hospital bills. Can you believe it?!?! Four months after Leah and Maya passed away! I read an article the other day in a magazine saying that something like 90% of all medical bills are not correct. HELLO! So,... say I got 10 bills (I wish it was that few) one of them was billed incorrectly. After reading this article, I decided that I was going to call and ask about some of these bills. Sure enough, a couple weeks later I got a letter saying that they messed up on some of the coding and that they would cover it. How can you mess up on a bill that was well over $100? And that's just one of the many! How many others were 'messed up?' Aghhh,... So as we are still trying to figure that all out, I hurt my finger really badly yesterday (I would perfer not to say how and those of you who know how...hush. It's a little imbarrasing)

Gross huh?!?!

It kept getting more and more swollen and more painful so I figured that I should just get it X-rayed. But befor I make another mistake, I called the insurance company to make sure that it was covered. They say it is (but we will see in about 3-4 weeks) That's all I need is another mistaken hospital bill!!! So I go in and sure enough, I have a partial bone evulsion (not sure how to spell that). But baisicly I chipped some of my bone off and it's just floating around in my muscle tissue right now! GREAT! So I am off to the orthopedic surgon to see if I should have surgery to remove it or to just let it go and see what happens. I am sure that he will tell me what to do since he is the profesional.

And then on top of everything, Friday is/was the girls' due date. ... I am not sure what to say. I hope none of you out there ever have to experience what I am right now. And if you have you know what I am feeling. ... It's very difficult... God Bless.

Shock to my system

I guess I should prefac this story with another story.
A.) About a month after Leah and Maya passed away, I purchased two baby rings to wear them on a necklace. That way I would always had them near my heart and whenever I missed them or was thinking of them I could just put their rings around my pinkey finger. (I know this sounds a little corney, but hey, whatever.)
B.) So now my story. The other day I lost the rings. It took everything inside of me to hold it together. It felt like I lost the girls all over again! On top of it, I lost the rings in the pool! Luckily, God was watching over me and allowed my eyes to find them! What a shocker! I am just so happy that I have the rings still.
As silly as this story sounds, it really turned my world upside down for the past couple days!
Gotta jet! God bless all of you out there in internet land!

A new addition to our family : )

We finally have an addition to our family. On Saturday we picked up our puppy, Daisey! I have wanted one for a while now and it just took some time to find the right one! We found her. She is a golden retriever and a yellow lab mix and she is just 6 weeks old now. How cute!!!

It was very suiting that we picked her up on Saturday July 5th, 3 months to the day after Leah and Maya passed away.
As silly as it sounds, she is really helping me cope. I am now able to be the 'motherly' person that I have wanted for so long. As you see in the picture she loves to be held like a baby. She acts just like a baby too(she sleeps for about 3 hours, wakes up to go potty, then she eats and plays a little, and then it's right back to sleep for another 2 to 3 hours.)

Daisey is awesome! I now have something to live for. I know that sounds very depressing but it's the only way I can really describe how much she means to me! She relys on me for food and shelter and she has truely shown her love and affection for me.

So that's all for now. I just wanted to introduce our new puppy to all of you out there! Thanks for reading and I will keep you updated as things happen! God Bless!

Dreams

I had the worst, or maybe the best, dream of my life last night. I was in labor with Leah and Maya and I was holding them after wards and Leah was perfectly fine! Maya on the other hand did not make it : ( But my dream was so vivid that I remember exactly what Leah's eyes looked like, huge pretty blue just like her daddy's looking right up at me. I remember how she cooed and wiggled around. Why the heck did that have to be a dream?!?! Why not reality? Is that so much to ask for? She was BEAUTIFUL!!!! Also, what does this mean? I know that some dreams have hidden meanings and there are people out there that can tell you what you really feel when you have a strange dream like this. Does it mean that Leah actually had a chance of living if we would have done something differently? What about Maya? So many questions, so few answers. But, I suppose this is how it will have to be. I will never find out the true answers to all my questions untill I meet my maker. So flusterating.

Yummy Ice Cream!

We are off to go scoop some ice cream. Coldstone is doing a benifit for my friend Katie's Kidney Dialysis fund.














Wow! Isn't that awesome!?!?! It just amazes me sometimes how nice people can be! How giving and how un-selfish they are! I can get so caught up in my own bubble sometimes that I forget about what else is going on with everyone else! Am I crazy, is that normal? I feel kinda bad about it! It's times like this where my bubble gets popped and I see how others live their lives. Well,.. it feels like I am babling now. I hope to see some of you tonight!! It should be a good time!

Going up...

Sorry I have not posted in a while. I have noticed that I usually post when I am having a bad day. That, in turn, gives all of you the impresion that life isn't getting any better and that I am still struggling pretty badly. Not ture. My life is a terribly long rollercoaster for me right now. I have my ups and downs, turns and bumps. The good news is that there have been more ups in the past month than before (hence why there are less postings). I am currently on my way up from falling. If that makes sense. I hate to say it but when I 'fall' or have a bad day, it's really bad. From no where, all my emotions come back up and it's very hard to describe. I just hurt inside, emotionally that is. I dunno. People always ask how I am doing still and I cannot describe it. The only way to truely understand how it feels to loose your children is to actually go through it and I would never wish that on anyone!!!!!!
I am trying to get my head focused on the positives and future (as always) and by doing that I changed the title and picture of my blog. I miss my girls and would love to introduce them to the world by having their pics and names in my title. I have to say, though, that this blog is more about my struggle and moving on with my life. Hence the change.
Please keep me, Mike, Leah, and Maya in your prayers. I would really appreciate it!

Grant me peace!

I lost Leah and Maya over 2 months ago and I still wonder. I can't help but think today that I would have been almost 8 months pregnant with the girls. I can't help but lay and wonder what could have been, what should have been! Like I have said before, I try to enjoy the good things in life. A sunny morning with blue skies to wake up to, a pedicure, a swimmer or parent showing appreciation for what I do everyday, or just the tight hug from my hubby. I try to stay in the moment and soak up everything. Much much easier said than done! I know in the back of my head that God has a greater plan than I could ever understand or (at the moment) appreciate. I just,... ...I dunno. It's so tough! God is really testing me today that's for sure!
Well,... I suppose I should go and try to sleep! God Bless! ~kell~

Grrrrrr,...

So flusterating. I got the results from my blood tests and they all came back normal. My hormones are good (relativly speaking) and whatever else they tested for looked good. So, my question is why aren't things 'back to normal?' Aghhh,.. The nurse said to give it another week and control the pain even more with meds. Then call them back if it's still bad. It's already been two weeks! Oh well,.. I guess the positive is that we won't have to deal with anymore doc bills for now. (We have been paying out to everyone it seems laitly! Such a drain on our account!) So I will deal with it for now and pray that things are just fine and will be normal with time! Easy to say huh?!?!
Lots O Love,
Kell

Wierd

My last post I was feeling so guilty for being healthy and blessed. I guess I should have knocked on wood! With out getting into too much detail, things haven't been 'back to normal.' I have been having terrible pains in my lower tummy but I just thought it was cramps or whatever,... that was two tweeks ago though. I wanted to think it was kinda normal and wait it out and soften the pain with medicine. But I couldn't handel it anymore so I called my doc today. She said that's not good and she rushed me into the lab to get some immediate blood work done. This is going to be the longest night of my life to date. Waiting, Waiting,... for the results.

Trying to keep my spirits up, I will post some neat pics of my weekend up north.

The rainbow after the storm

My cousins graduation. Way to go Bre!

I guess that's all for now. I will keep you posted about the results. God Bless.

Kell

How selfish am I?!?!

I get into my slumps as many of you may have noticed through this blog, and I do have my good days. When I get into my "slumps" or depressed, the most common thought laitly is why did this have to happen to me? There are so many people out there that never have to deal with the loss of a child let alone 2! But the past week I have felt terrible for feeling terrible. I am sooooo selfish! Even though Mike and I went through such a horrible experience, there are yet worse out there.
I am so blessed. You may think I am crazy for saying this having been what we have been through, but I am. God has blessed me with the ablilty to still potentially be able to have children and to have my relativly good health. I am constantly thinking of my friend Katie and I hope all of you are also. I have a link to her blog here on mine. I am asking all of you to check it out and give her a note of encouragment in the comment section! She needs it now more than ever! Katie, if you are reading this just know that a lot of us, including most of all me, are crying with you. I know what I went through was traumatic and heart wrentching but I cannot even begin to understand what Katie is! Please pray for her and her family! God Bless!
~Kell

Bummer...

Come on Red Wings! I was up last night until 1 AM waiting to see the Wings win the cup and ...nothin. I guess it's nice to know that they still have a chance tomorrow night but it would have been nice to win it last night.

GO WINGS!

On a lighter note, it's June! Happy June! That means that it is all that closer to my B-day!!!! Although it doesn't mean as much as it did when I was younger, it's still nice to get excited about it. I guess that the big question is if Mike will remember it or not?!?!?

There's not much else going on. Still taking it day by day. Peace out. God Bless.

Kellie

"Can't Believe It's Over"

So, as I was about to write this post, Michael Buble's song "Lost" came on from my itunes. And I know that the song is probably about a girl he was in love with or something but I can really apply it to me as well. Next time you hear it, listen and I think you will see. It just gives me a lot of hope and makes me feel like life can still go on and get better with time. Especially when he's talking about how summer turns to winter and winter turned to rain (spring) and rain turned to tears on your face. That's it. That's me. So many tears have fallen from my face this past spring. More than God could even count I am sure. I hate getting so caught up in the past but I still wonder why us. I am sure I will always wonder and get mad, flusterated, depressed, sad, and whatever else.

I have been trying to focus on the present right now. I am trying to live day to day, hour by hour. It seems to be working. I still get caught up sometimes though. Like today, it started off great. Just normal every day stuff (recovering from the 5k last night, ouch). Then I went to town to get groceries and a mom of one of my swimmers asked me how my babies where doing. It's things like that that sets me back. I start off going so well, and then ... And I know it's not her fault for asking because she didn't know.

But in general I guess I can say that I am doing better. I am getting busy with work. I am involved in playing some rec softball (good times!) and of course the usual summer type stuff. So I am asking all of you to keep all four of us (Mike, me, Maya, and Leah) in your prayers because I can truely see the power of prayer working in our lives! God Bless!
~Kellie~

Here Comes Summer

Whether I like it or not summer is here. Pros: warm sun shine, blueberries : ), getting a tan, going to the beach or the cottage up north, and just the overall sense of general happieness. Cons: sun burn, the crazieness of the blueberry season and not seeing my hubby, and the dreaded closeness of August 1st (when the girls were due). I guess I am glad that there are so many good things that go on this summer but in the back of my head I am always reminded that we are one day closer to when I was suppose to have the girls in my arms.

I went to see my doc on Friday for my post-natal exam (baisicly a physical). All week last week I was having nightmares and severe anxiety. What if she found something else that was wrong with me? The past two times I had been there I got news that flipped my life upside down (first having twins and then finding out that they were gone). But I had to go and get it over with. As I was laying on the bed crying my eyes out, my doctor said that there was nothing to worry about and that I was totally healthy. Thank the Lord! As soon as she said that it felt like God lifted 500 pounds off my shoulders.

Other than that there is nothing else going on. Just trying to ease the pain of my sunburn from Memorial Day weekend. God Bless.
Kell

Oh how I wish...

This is the one and only picture of me pregnant with the girls. I stole it off my mom's computer (sorry mom!). I just still cannot get over how large I look. I guess I didn't feel as big as I looked, especially for only being at 22 weeks at the time. This was taken on Easter Sunday. I look at it and think of all of the miserable times I had. The 24/ 7 morning sickness up to about 4 months, the back pain, the stretching and almost constant uncomfortableness (if that's a word). I remember how miserable I was that day. And now I wish with every fiber of my being to back in that postion. I want them back in my tummy where I considered it to be safe. Obveously I was wrong about that. Well,... I should get going. Again, I hope you are all well out there and please keep praying for me and Mike as we are still struggling day to day with our emotions.

~Kellie~

Such a difference

So I was finally able to upload some pictures.
This is me on our balcony in Virginia Beach. I was 4 month pregnant in this picture (even though you can't tell because it was SO cold that week). It's hard to believe what I was thinking then in comparison to what I was thinking in the next picture.



This is me and Mike in Minnesota for the wedding last week. Isn't he so handsome in his tux!?!?! In just less than three months we went from the picture above to this one. I still just cannot get over it.
I wish so badly to be back in that place, but I know that it isn't possible. So now the only thing I can do is move on and deal with life as it is today.









As I was lying in bed last night wide awake (due to drinking pop way to late at night) I was thinking. I wish so badly every night for peace in my life. I want to be at peace mentally and emotionally. But I got to thinking, is peace something that you have to wait for to come naturally or is it something that you have to activly get. What do you think, because I just don't know? Do I just need to be patient and wait to be at peace or is it a daily thing that I have to strive for? Let me know what you all think. God Bless.

Finally in my bed

Well, we are back from our trip to Minnesota. 9.5 hours one way seems like forever in a car. But we are home now wich is cool. We had to make the trip out for a buddy of Mikes' wedding. It was really pretty and they couldn't have asked for a better day of weather. I thought that it would be nice to get away for a while and get my mind off the girls but that was not the case. It seems like with a wedding there always comes up the fact of 'now it's time to try to have kids' and that got me everytime someone would mention that. But I pressed on and tried to focus on the fact that these two awesome people were about to spend the rest of their lives together.
Today is a better day. I have joined up with a support group online. I know everyone has been telling me for the past two months that I should get some help and I always said thatI was fine. Well, I realized after looking at my last couple postings that maybe I am not as good as I thought. So, yes, you were all right and I was wrong. But in joining this group I have found a lot more comfort than I thought I would. It is very refreshing hearing the stories of other women who have been through the same as me and how they got through. Yes, the curcumstances suck but being there to chat with each other is nice and finding out what they did to get on to 'the next step' helps a lot.
I hope everyone out there who is reading this is doing well. And I hope that my blog is helping you all understand what is going on day to day. I would love to hear your comments so please respond in the comment section and let me know what you think.

I love you all and God Bless, Kellie

I'm in a slump, again

So, I have noticed over the past week or so that I have been very upset and slightly depressed. I think you can kinda see it in my blog posts as well. I guess I can blame it on this past weekend. But the weekend is well over and I still feel yucky. I feel the same way I did directly after the girls were born. There was about two or three weeks where things were getting better but I think I slid back down last week.
I just want to know what the next step is so I can get out of this slump. What can I do now that will make the hurting stop? I wish God would give me some kind of sign that everything is and will be fine. I wish God would let me know that He has my girls and that He is watching them for me and Mike.
So many unkown things that I have NO control over. That drives me crazy. For anyone out there who knows me personally, I think you know that I kinda like to know what is going on. I hate not knowing what is going on or what is going to happen.

My beautiful babies

So Mothers day came and went, as I knew it would. I didn't get a card, I didn't get a "Happy Mothers day" from any one, I didn't get any calls. Am I really a mom? I don't feel like I am or was. I don't have two beautiful babies to hold. No one even seems to recognize me as a mom, or even the fact that I did give birth to two beautuful girls. So, am I? I don't know. Mike gives me the reasoning that "no one wants to hurt my feelings or 'rub salt in a fresh wound.'" And I just respond to him by saying "It hurts more that no one recognizes the fact that I did have two little girls."

I guess that this is my way of nicely saying, I want to talk about them. I wish people would acknowledge them as our children, our little girls. It hurts to talk about me and my feelings but I could talk all day every day about Leah and Maya, if you couldn't already tell by the blog.

I love all of you who support me and Mike and read our blog and pray for us and the girls. Thank you. God Bless.

Just another day

Well,... it's one more day closer to 'M.... Day.' And I can feel my heart just dropping more and more as we get closer to Sunday. I want to just skip the entire day. I know that everything I see, everything I hear will be in regards to moms and their children. I wish I could celebrate it with my children. I wish I could hold them and see what color their eyes were.

I think back to when I was pregnant and how excited I was for this Sunday to come. I was thinking that when Mothers day comes around the girls would be coming soon after. ( I would have been 30 weeks pregnant; that's almost full term for twins) Like I said, I just wish we could skip over the day and not think about it. Oh well,... I know that's not possible so I will just have to deal with it head on and be strong so I can get through it.

Sorry if this post seems so depressing. I don't really know what to say that would lighten the mood. Also, this will probably be my last post for a while because we are going to the cottage for a couple days. I hope everyone has a good weekend and please keep me and Mike in your prayers as we approach Sunday. God Bless.

My prayer

Lord,
I need your support and help today. Please wrap you arms around me and give me strength. I know that you have seen me through good and bad. Today is the bad, again. Oh how I miss my little girls! **tear**I hope they are doing well with you. Is it so bad that I am being so selfish? I think back when we found out that we were haveing twins and I though ' God, there are so many people out there that cannot concieve. Why are you giving us two?!?!' There were days when I woundered why you would do this to us. I am sorry I doubted your plan. I now see that you gave us those two girls because we had twice the love to give to our baby. We so wanted a baby and we were just bursting with love to give, more than enough love for two!
But now they are gone to heaven with you, and again I wonder 'You blessed us with these little girls and then you took them away. Why would you want such an aweful thing to happen?' I am sorry Lord, but I am still in that place. People say that they went to heaven so they wouldn't have to deal with the burdens that come with a life here on earth. I wanted to be their mom that helped them get through whatever burdens may have come their way. I wanted to put ponytails in their hair so they would match. I wanted to have family pictures done with all four of us in matching clothes! But no. You decided that they needed to be with you instead. I am sorry Lord but I just want them back. I want them back so badly.
Please take care of them and tell them that mommy and daddy will be with them eventually. Tell them that we miss them and we think about them ever hour! Amen.

One month ago...

well,... it's been one month since I delivered Maya and Leah. Happy one month birthday girls!!! Part of me still feels like it was just yesterday and then another part feelsl ike it has been the longest and roughest month of my life. If they would have been OK when they were born, they would be a month old. Or, it's hard to believe that I would have been 28 weeks pregnent. In terms of twin pregnancies, that's like a month or two from being ready to pop.

This month is especially hard for me with nothing to do. I took off work and didn't make any big plans because I was going to spend it getting the nursery ready. We had the paint, we were going to go get our furniture, and we had their outfits in the closet. Speaking of outfits, the people at Target won't take my maternity clothes (with the tags on them) back. I really wanted them out of my closet and get some of the money back but because they were over $20 and I didn't have the reciept I am stuck with them forever. GRRRRRR... Sorry about that. Can you tell that I am a little pieved about the whole situation?!?!

So, since it is the girls' one month 'birthday', I wanted to try to get up the guts to look at their ultrasound pictures. I have been very emotional about the whole thing for the past couple weeks and I was surprised that I wasn't while I was looking at them. It's hard, of course, because I miss them so badly, but I look at them now with love and interest. I will try to get thier pics on here but with dial up internet I am sure it will take a while!

Poems

There have been a couple poems that say exactly how I feel and I think that they say it best!! They were read at the girls' memorial service. This one and the one below (Do you know how hard it is?)

My Little Angel’s
I felt your presence there inside of me
Nestled soft and warm;
Sweet scent of baby’s breath
Precious words left unadorned

I saw your tiny heartbeats
Then I knew that you were fine
For the precious life of you two
Two that would be just mine

Then that tragic day came
There was nothing I could do
Only wait and hope
For the precious life of you two

Yes, in the beginning
Your daddy was afraid
Only he could love you unconditional
And never run away

He loved you more, this I do know
As he cried for you that day
When the doctor said 'bothe were gone'
Daddy wanted you both to stay

He would have held you close to him
And see you perfect form
A gift of daddy’s love
Would have kept you safe and warm

Only now you are angels over us
Beautiful and bare
My heart would hurt if either of you cried for me
And mommy was not there

Rest gentle now sweet babies, there is no pain
You are never alone
I know that you are with the guiding angels
In your peaceful home

I will come with you someday
Only now is not my time
Then we will be together again
Again you will be mine.

I miss them

In setting this blog up I feel compeled to talk about the girls and how terribly we miss them. Mike and I were all set up, mentally, to be a family of four. Going from that mindset to 'back to two' is very hard. We wish every day to be a family of four again . Maybe someday.
For those of you who don't know Maya and Leah passed away on Saturday, April 5, 2008 at 24 weeks old. I delivered them at 4:00 in the morning in a very serene and peaceful setting. Just me, Mike, our nurse, and good friend, Kim, and our doctor. They were beautiful.
Through we didn't know why they passed away at the ultrasound the previous day, we found out after they were born that they shared an umbilical cord. The girls are our medical miracle. The doctors had never seen twin babies get so far along and share a cord.
Through we didn't get to keep the girls, we know that they are watching over us and guiding us through every day. We miss them and wish they were still here but know that God is taking good care of them.

A New Day

Hi everyone,
I set this blog up so everyone knows how things are going and I won't have to go through all of the emotions all over again. I understand people' s concerns but it's just wearing me down, emotionally, to go through it day after day. I also thought that this might be somewhat theraputic for me. I hope you enjoy and I hope you will respond. Thank you.