"Can't Believe It's Over"

So, as I was about to write this post, Michael Buble's song "Lost" came on from my itunes. And I know that the song is probably about a girl he was in love with or something but I can really apply it to me as well. Next time you hear it, listen and I think you will see. It just gives me a lot of hope and makes me feel like life can still go on and get better with time. Especially when he's talking about how summer turns to winter and winter turned to rain (spring) and rain turned to tears on your face. That's it. That's me. So many tears have fallen from my face this past spring. More than God could even count I am sure. I hate getting so caught up in the past but I still wonder why us. I am sure I will always wonder and get mad, flusterated, depressed, sad, and whatever else.

I have been trying to focus on the present right now. I am trying to live day to day, hour by hour. It seems to be working. I still get caught up sometimes though. Like today, it started off great. Just normal every day stuff (recovering from the 5k last night, ouch). Then I went to town to get groceries and a mom of one of my swimmers asked me how my babies where doing. It's things like that that sets me back. I start off going so well, and then ... And I know it's not her fault for asking because she didn't know.

But in general I guess I can say that I am doing better. I am getting busy with work. I am involved in playing some rec softball (good times!) and of course the usual summer type stuff. So I am asking all of you to keep all four of us (Mike, me, Maya, and Leah) in your prayers because I can truely see the power of prayer working in our lives! God Bless!
~Kellie~

Here Comes Summer

Whether I like it or not summer is here. Pros: warm sun shine, blueberries : ), getting a tan, going to the beach or the cottage up north, and just the overall sense of general happieness. Cons: sun burn, the crazieness of the blueberry season and not seeing my hubby, and the dreaded closeness of August 1st (when the girls were due). I guess I am glad that there are so many good things that go on this summer but in the back of my head I am always reminded that we are one day closer to when I was suppose to have the girls in my arms.

I went to see my doc on Friday for my post-natal exam (baisicly a physical). All week last week I was having nightmares and severe anxiety. What if she found something else that was wrong with me? The past two times I had been there I got news that flipped my life upside down (first having twins and then finding out that they were gone). But I had to go and get it over with. As I was laying on the bed crying my eyes out, my doctor said that there was nothing to worry about and that I was totally healthy. Thank the Lord! As soon as she said that it felt like God lifted 500 pounds off my shoulders.

Other than that there is nothing else going on. Just trying to ease the pain of my sunburn from Memorial Day weekend. God Bless.
Kell

Oh how I wish...

This is the one and only picture of me pregnant with the girls. I stole it off my mom's computer (sorry mom!). I just still cannot get over how large I look. I guess I didn't feel as big as I looked, especially for only being at 22 weeks at the time. This was taken on Easter Sunday. I look at it and think of all of the miserable times I had. The 24/ 7 morning sickness up to about 4 months, the back pain, the stretching and almost constant uncomfortableness (if that's a word). I remember how miserable I was that day. And now I wish with every fiber of my being to back in that postion. I want them back in my tummy where I considered it to be safe. Obveously I was wrong about that. Well,... I should get going. Again, I hope you are all well out there and please keep praying for me and Mike as we are still struggling day to day with our emotions.

~Kellie~

Such a difference

So I was finally able to upload some pictures.
This is me on our balcony in Virginia Beach. I was 4 month pregnant in this picture (even though you can't tell because it was SO cold that week). It's hard to believe what I was thinking then in comparison to what I was thinking in the next picture.



This is me and Mike in Minnesota for the wedding last week. Isn't he so handsome in his tux!?!?! In just less than three months we went from the picture above to this one. I still just cannot get over it.
I wish so badly to be back in that place, but I know that it isn't possible. So now the only thing I can do is move on and deal with life as it is today.









As I was lying in bed last night wide awake (due to drinking pop way to late at night) I was thinking. I wish so badly every night for peace in my life. I want to be at peace mentally and emotionally. But I got to thinking, is peace something that you have to wait for to come naturally or is it something that you have to activly get. What do you think, because I just don't know? Do I just need to be patient and wait to be at peace or is it a daily thing that I have to strive for? Let me know what you all think. God Bless.

Finally in my bed

Well, we are back from our trip to Minnesota. 9.5 hours one way seems like forever in a car. But we are home now wich is cool. We had to make the trip out for a buddy of Mikes' wedding. It was really pretty and they couldn't have asked for a better day of weather. I thought that it would be nice to get away for a while and get my mind off the girls but that was not the case. It seems like with a wedding there always comes up the fact of 'now it's time to try to have kids' and that got me everytime someone would mention that. But I pressed on and tried to focus on the fact that these two awesome people were about to spend the rest of their lives together.
Today is a better day. I have joined up with a support group online. I know everyone has been telling me for the past two months that I should get some help and I always said thatI was fine. Well, I realized after looking at my last couple postings that maybe I am not as good as I thought. So, yes, you were all right and I was wrong. But in joining this group I have found a lot more comfort than I thought I would. It is very refreshing hearing the stories of other women who have been through the same as me and how they got through. Yes, the curcumstances suck but being there to chat with each other is nice and finding out what they did to get on to 'the next step' helps a lot.
I hope everyone out there who is reading this is doing well. And I hope that my blog is helping you all understand what is going on day to day. I would love to hear your comments so please respond in the comment section and let me know what you think.

I love you all and God Bless, Kellie

I'm in a slump, again

So, I have noticed over the past week or so that I have been very upset and slightly depressed. I think you can kinda see it in my blog posts as well. I guess I can blame it on this past weekend. But the weekend is well over and I still feel yucky. I feel the same way I did directly after the girls were born. There was about two or three weeks where things were getting better but I think I slid back down last week.
I just want to know what the next step is so I can get out of this slump. What can I do now that will make the hurting stop? I wish God would give me some kind of sign that everything is and will be fine. I wish God would let me know that He has my girls and that He is watching them for me and Mike.
So many unkown things that I have NO control over. That drives me crazy. For anyone out there who knows me personally, I think you know that I kinda like to know what is going on. I hate not knowing what is going on or what is going to happen.

My beautiful babies

So Mothers day came and went, as I knew it would. I didn't get a card, I didn't get a "Happy Mothers day" from any one, I didn't get any calls. Am I really a mom? I don't feel like I am or was. I don't have two beautiful babies to hold. No one even seems to recognize me as a mom, or even the fact that I did give birth to two beautuful girls. So, am I? I don't know. Mike gives me the reasoning that "no one wants to hurt my feelings or 'rub salt in a fresh wound.'" And I just respond to him by saying "It hurts more that no one recognizes the fact that I did have two little girls."

I guess that this is my way of nicely saying, I want to talk about them. I wish people would acknowledge them as our children, our little girls. It hurts to talk about me and my feelings but I could talk all day every day about Leah and Maya, if you couldn't already tell by the blog.

I love all of you who support me and Mike and read our blog and pray for us and the girls. Thank you. God Bless.

Just another day

Well,... it's one more day closer to 'M.... Day.' And I can feel my heart just dropping more and more as we get closer to Sunday. I want to just skip the entire day. I know that everything I see, everything I hear will be in regards to moms and their children. I wish I could celebrate it with my children. I wish I could hold them and see what color their eyes were.

I think back to when I was pregnant and how excited I was for this Sunday to come. I was thinking that when Mothers day comes around the girls would be coming soon after. ( I would have been 30 weeks pregnant; that's almost full term for twins) Like I said, I just wish we could skip over the day and not think about it. Oh well,... I know that's not possible so I will just have to deal with it head on and be strong so I can get through it.

Sorry if this post seems so depressing. I don't really know what to say that would lighten the mood. Also, this will probably be my last post for a while because we are going to the cottage for a couple days. I hope everyone has a good weekend and please keep me and Mike in your prayers as we approach Sunday. God Bless.

My prayer

Lord,
I need your support and help today. Please wrap you arms around me and give me strength. I know that you have seen me through good and bad. Today is the bad, again. Oh how I miss my little girls! **tear**I hope they are doing well with you. Is it so bad that I am being so selfish? I think back when we found out that we were haveing twins and I though ' God, there are so many people out there that cannot concieve. Why are you giving us two?!?!' There were days when I woundered why you would do this to us. I am sorry I doubted your plan. I now see that you gave us those two girls because we had twice the love to give to our baby. We so wanted a baby and we were just bursting with love to give, more than enough love for two!
But now they are gone to heaven with you, and again I wonder 'You blessed us with these little girls and then you took them away. Why would you want such an aweful thing to happen?' I am sorry Lord, but I am still in that place. People say that they went to heaven so they wouldn't have to deal with the burdens that come with a life here on earth. I wanted to be their mom that helped them get through whatever burdens may have come their way. I wanted to put ponytails in their hair so they would match. I wanted to have family pictures done with all four of us in matching clothes! But no. You decided that they needed to be with you instead. I am sorry Lord but I just want them back. I want them back so badly.
Please take care of them and tell them that mommy and daddy will be with them eventually. Tell them that we miss them and we think about them ever hour! Amen.

One month ago...

well,... it's been one month since I delivered Maya and Leah. Happy one month birthday girls!!! Part of me still feels like it was just yesterday and then another part feelsl ike it has been the longest and roughest month of my life. If they would have been OK when they were born, they would be a month old. Or, it's hard to believe that I would have been 28 weeks pregnent. In terms of twin pregnancies, that's like a month or two from being ready to pop.

This month is especially hard for me with nothing to do. I took off work and didn't make any big plans because I was going to spend it getting the nursery ready. We had the paint, we were going to go get our furniture, and we had their outfits in the closet. Speaking of outfits, the people at Target won't take my maternity clothes (with the tags on them) back. I really wanted them out of my closet and get some of the money back but because they were over $20 and I didn't have the reciept I am stuck with them forever. GRRRRRR... Sorry about that. Can you tell that I am a little pieved about the whole situation?!?!

So, since it is the girls' one month 'birthday', I wanted to try to get up the guts to look at their ultrasound pictures. I have been very emotional about the whole thing for the past couple weeks and I was surprised that I wasn't while I was looking at them. It's hard, of course, because I miss them so badly, but I look at them now with love and interest. I will try to get thier pics on here but with dial up internet I am sure it will take a while!

Poems

There have been a couple poems that say exactly how I feel and I think that they say it best!! They were read at the girls' memorial service. This one and the one below (Do you know how hard it is?)

My Little Angel’s
I felt your presence there inside of me
Nestled soft and warm;
Sweet scent of baby’s breath
Precious words left unadorned

I saw your tiny heartbeats
Then I knew that you were fine
For the precious life of you two
Two that would be just mine

Then that tragic day came
There was nothing I could do
Only wait and hope
For the precious life of you two

Yes, in the beginning
Your daddy was afraid
Only he could love you unconditional
And never run away

He loved you more, this I do know
As he cried for you that day
When the doctor said 'bothe were gone'
Daddy wanted you both to stay

He would have held you close to him
And see you perfect form
A gift of daddy’s love
Would have kept you safe and warm

Only now you are angels over us
Beautiful and bare
My heart would hurt if either of you cried for me
And mommy was not there

Rest gentle now sweet babies, there is no pain
You are never alone
I know that you are with the guiding angels
In your peaceful home

I will come with you someday
Only now is not my time
Then we will be together again
Again you will be mine.

I miss them

In setting this blog up I feel compeled to talk about the girls and how terribly we miss them. Mike and I were all set up, mentally, to be a family of four. Going from that mindset to 'back to two' is very hard. We wish every day to be a family of four again . Maybe someday.
For those of you who don't know Maya and Leah passed away on Saturday, April 5, 2008 at 24 weeks old. I delivered them at 4:00 in the morning in a very serene and peaceful setting. Just me, Mike, our nurse, and good friend, Kim, and our doctor. They were beautiful.
Through we didn't know why they passed away at the ultrasound the previous day, we found out after they were born that they shared an umbilical cord. The girls are our medical miracle. The doctors had never seen twin babies get so far along and share a cord.
Through we didn't get to keep the girls, we know that they are watching over us and guiding us through every day. We miss them and wish they were still here but know that God is taking good care of them.

A New Day

Hi everyone,
I set this blog up so everyone knows how things are going and I won't have to go through all of the emotions all over again. I understand people' s concerns but it's just wearing me down, emotionally, to go through it day after day. I also thought that this might be somewhat theraputic for me. I hope you enjoy and I hope you will respond. Thank you.