How will I make it?

I just can't do it. I can't hold it together for tomorrow. I am sure that 90% is all in my head and the anticipation is the worst but I am just loosing it tonight. I just can't believe they are gone. Why did they have to go? Why couldn't I keep them safe in my belly? They were so cute. You all would have loved them I am sure of it. But none of you got to meet them. *Tear* How unfair is that! I need prayers. I need God tonight! Lord help me. Lord please take good care of my girls. Tell them that mommy loves them SOOOOOO much and misses them terribly! Oh so terribly.

The crazyness of everyday life

We are still trying to figure out our hospital bills. Can you believe it?!?! Four months after Leah and Maya passed away! I read an article the other day in a magazine saying that something like 90% of all medical bills are not correct. HELLO! So,... say I got 10 bills (I wish it was that few) one of them was billed incorrectly. After reading this article, I decided that I was going to call and ask about some of these bills. Sure enough, a couple weeks later I got a letter saying that they messed up on some of the coding and that they would cover it. How can you mess up on a bill that was well over $100? And that's just one of the many! How many others were 'messed up?' Aghhh,... So as we are still trying to figure that all out, I hurt my finger really badly yesterday (I would perfer not to say how and those of you who know how...hush. It's a little imbarrasing)

Gross huh?!?!

It kept getting more and more swollen and more painful so I figured that I should just get it X-rayed. But befor I make another mistake, I called the insurance company to make sure that it was covered. They say it is (but we will see in about 3-4 weeks) That's all I need is another mistaken hospital bill!!! So I go in and sure enough, I have a partial bone evulsion (not sure how to spell that). But baisicly I chipped some of my bone off and it's just floating around in my muscle tissue right now! GREAT! So I am off to the orthopedic surgon to see if I should have surgery to remove it or to just let it go and see what happens. I am sure that he will tell me what to do since he is the profesional.

And then on top of everything, Friday is/was the girls' due date. ... I am not sure what to say. I hope none of you out there ever have to experience what I am right now. And if you have you know what I am feeling. ... It's very difficult... God Bless.

Shock to my system

I guess I should prefac this story with another story.
A.) About a month after Leah and Maya passed away, I purchased two baby rings to wear them on a necklace. That way I would always had them near my heart and whenever I missed them or was thinking of them I could just put their rings around my pinkey finger. (I know this sounds a little corney, but hey, whatever.)
B.) So now my story. The other day I lost the rings. It took everything inside of me to hold it together. It felt like I lost the girls all over again! On top of it, I lost the rings in the pool! Luckily, God was watching over me and allowed my eyes to find them! What a shocker! I am just so happy that I have the rings still.
As silly as this story sounds, it really turned my world upside down for the past couple days!
Gotta jet! God bless all of you out there in internet land!

A new addition to our family : )

We finally have an addition to our family. On Saturday we picked up our puppy, Daisey! I have wanted one for a while now and it just took some time to find the right one! We found her. She is a golden retriever and a yellow lab mix and she is just 6 weeks old now. How cute!!!

It was very suiting that we picked her up on Saturday July 5th, 3 months to the day after Leah and Maya passed away.
As silly as it sounds, she is really helping me cope. I am now able to be the 'motherly' person that I have wanted for so long. As you see in the picture she loves to be held like a baby. She acts just like a baby too(she sleeps for about 3 hours, wakes up to go potty, then she eats and plays a little, and then it's right back to sleep for another 2 to 3 hours.)

Daisey is awesome! I now have something to live for. I know that sounds very depressing but it's the only way I can really describe how much she means to me! She relys on me for food and shelter and she has truely shown her love and affection for me.

So that's all for now. I just wanted to introduce our new puppy to all of you out there! Thanks for reading and I will keep you updated as things happen! God Bless!

Dreams

I had the worst, or maybe the best, dream of my life last night. I was in labor with Leah and Maya and I was holding them after wards and Leah was perfectly fine! Maya on the other hand did not make it : ( But my dream was so vivid that I remember exactly what Leah's eyes looked like, huge pretty blue just like her daddy's looking right up at me. I remember how she cooed and wiggled around. Why the heck did that have to be a dream?!?! Why not reality? Is that so much to ask for? She was BEAUTIFUL!!!! Also, what does this mean? I know that some dreams have hidden meanings and there are people out there that can tell you what you really feel when you have a strange dream like this. Does it mean that Leah actually had a chance of living if we would have done something differently? What about Maya? So many questions, so few answers. But, I suppose this is how it will have to be. I will never find out the true answers to all my questions untill I meet my maker. So flusterating.