Today I lit two candles for my two angels in heaven. I also lit a candle on line if you would like to see it go to: http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/message.cfm?l=eng&cid=6934770 You can go to http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng and click on an unlit candle to lite one for someone else.
This is all on an important day. Infant loss and still birth awareness day. Not that I need a specific day to mourn for my girls but I guess it is just a day that we can all set aside some time and remember the good times (even though they were few due to the short time that they were here on earth) and how badly we miss them.
'We loved and always will love you girls! Love mommy and daddy : )'
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Various updates
I have noticed that I left a lot of things hanging on here so I thought that I would do a post to update you all on all my loose ends.
-My pinkey is doing great. I have skipped out on therepy a bunch of times and I think I am just not going to go anymore because I can do everything here at home. I have almost full ROM! Yah! It still hurts when I do my stretches but I have notice huge improvements.
-The whole $50 thing went well the other week. I did perfect until I got to Friday when I realized that I had to take Daisey to the vet. So if you don't count that I did OK. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be!
-Speaking of Daisey, she is getting so big. She weighed 35 pounnds at the vet the other week so I am assuming she is close to 40 now. Is so funny, when I squat down to pet her or something she will lean up against me and just about push me over!
-My pinkey is doing great. I have skipped out on therepy a bunch of times and I think I am just not going to go anymore because I can do everything here at home. I have almost full ROM! Yah! It still hurts when I do my stretches but I have notice huge improvements.
-The whole $50 thing went well the other week. I did perfect until I got to Friday when I realized that I had to take Daisey to the vet. So if you don't count that I did OK. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be!
-Speaking of Daisey, she is getting so big. She weighed 35 pounnds at the vet the other week so I am assuming she is close to 40 now. Is so funny, when I squat down to pet her or something she will lean up against me and just about push me over!
This pic was actually taken about a month ago. I have been lagging in the pic department of her. oops : )
OK, I think you are all updated. Have a great Columbus Day! (Whatever that means. Was it on this day when he found America in 1492? I dunno. Whatever.)
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Oh What a Journey
Exactly 6 months ago to the day I begain an 18 hour journey that will live in my heart forever. I hope you don't mind but I would love to share that journey with you hour by hour. Are you ready? Here we go,...
Hour 0- I go into the office to see how my babies are growing. Hopeing to see how big they have gotten and how much they weigh,.. all that good stuff.
Hour 0-1: My life changes forever. My world went from this happy joyful ideal life to your worst possible nightmare. My little Leah and Maya were gone. When it happened, no one will know. I just know that that hour was one of the hardest ever. I cried, hard! I asked the nurse to turn the screen off and Mike held me as the nurse did her ultrasound stuff.
Hour 1-2: The doctors tell me what needs to happen and all the possibilities as to why the passed away. I am still a little blury on this part because I was still in shock.
Hours 2-3: We let the family know and go home to try to figure out what the heck is going on with our lives now. There is no way to prepare yourself for this kind of news. Family comes over to the house a grieves with us. I am exahusted at this point. Just about to pass out from my emotional melt-down.
Hours 3-4: Family leaves so I can try to take a nap and prepare myself for what is about to happen the upcoming night. Yah right. I just laid there rubbing my belly hoping to feel somekind of movement. I kept thinking to myself, if I pray hard enough and rub them enough, maybe I can prove the docs wrong and Leah and Maya will be OK. I don't know what I was thinking that for. Silly I guess.
Hour 5: Mike and I pack our bags and head off to the hospital to deliver the girls. This was really hard. When I had originally planned to go to the hospital to deliver the girls, I would have had a diaper bag, a car seat in the car, the nursery all set,... Not an overnight bag with a couple of toiletries.
Hours 5-10: The nurse checks me in and gets th IV going. My doc checks on me regularly. More family comes and goes. No progress and very uneventful so I said everyone can just go home and we will see you in the morning. I was sure that I was going to be there a long time.
Hours 10-13: Time crawls by and I try to sleep. I got a few cat naps but I just couldn't get a good snooze in whith everything that was going on. No real progress.
Hour 14: I started feeling clammy and yucky so the nurse suggested that I try the tub. Sure. It felt really good! The only thing was that I was freezing when I got out. I hated walking to and from the tub (through the halls) because I saw all the other preg girls laboring and walking. Oh how I wish I could have been in their shoes. Seeing them made my emotions go crazy again too.
Hour 15-16: Contractions really started to set in but I thought I could handel it so I just breathed through them.
Hour 17: Contractions are about :30sec apart and I can't hardly catch my breath inbetween so I ask for the epidural. He got there really quickly and scolded me for waiting so long. I just wanted to rip him a new one. Did he know what I was going through. 'I am sorry but I really don't want to be delivering these girls right now, thankyou very much. Just give me the meds so I can relax alright!?!!" That goes well and my legs go numb.
Hour 18: Only about 10 min after everyone left the room and I was just getting comfy I felt a gush. There goes my water. The nurse came running in and befor the doc could even get there Leah and Maya were born. They were so cute! They looked like they were sleeping peacefully. Not how I imagined delivering them. I thought they would come out screaming and hollering. I wish that was the case.
What an 18 hours that was. What a journey my life has been since. Self discovery. Self pitty. Falling in love with my hubby all over. Loving and needing God more than I could have ever imagined. I can't even imagine what He has in stor for the rest of my life.
Hour 0- I go into the office to see how my babies are growing. Hopeing to see how big they have gotten and how much they weigh,.. all that good stuff.
Hour 0-1: My life changes forever. My world went from this happy joyful ideal life to your worst possible nightmare. My little Leah and Maya were gone. When it happened, no one will know. I just know that that hour was one of the hardest ever. I cried, hard! I asked the nurse to turn the screen off and Mike held me as the nurse did her ultrasound stuff.
Hour 1-2: The doctors tell me what needs to happen and all the possibilities as to why the passed away. I am still a little blury on this part because I was still in shock.
Hours 2-3: We let the family know and go home to try to figure out what the heck is going on with our lives now. There is no way to prepare yourself for this kind of news. Family comes over to the house a grieves with us. I am exahusted at this point. Just about to pass out from my emotional melt-down.
Hours 3-4: Family leaves so I can try to take a nap and prepare myself for what is about to happen the upcoming night. Yah right. I just laid there rubbing my belly hoping to feel somekind of movement. I kept thinking to myself, if I pray hard enough and rub them enough, maybe I can prove the docs wrong and Leah and Maya will be OK. I don't know what I was thinking that for. Silly I guess.
Hour 5: Mike and I pack our bags and head off to the hospital to deliver the girls. This was really hard. When I had originally planned to go to the hospital to deliver the girls, I would have had a diaper bag, a car seat in the car, the nursery all set,... Not an overnight bag with a couple of toiletries.
Hours 5-10: The nurse checks me in and gets th IV going. My doc checks on me regularly. More family comes and goes. No progress and very uneventful so I said everyone can just go home and we will see you in the morning. I was sure that I was going to be there a long time.
Hours 10-13: Time crawls by and I try to sleep. I got a few cat naps but I just couldn't get a good snooze in whith everything that was going on. No real progress.
Hour 14: I started feeling clammy and yucky so the nurse suggested that I try the tub. Sure. It felt really good! The only thing was that I was freezing when I got out. I hated walking to and from the tub (through the halls) because I saw all the other preg girls laboring and walking. Oh how I wish I could have been in their shoes. Seeing them made my emotions go crazy again too.
Hour 15-16: Contractions really started to set in but I thought I could handel it so I just breathed through them.
Hour 17: Contractions are about :30sec apart and I can't hardly catch my breath inbetween so I ask for the epidural. He got there really quickly and scolded me for waiting so long. I just wanted to rip him a new one. Did he know what I was going through. 'I am sorry but I really don't want to be delivering these girls right now, thankyou very much. Just give me the meds so I can relax alright!?!!" That goes well and my legs go numb.
Hour 18: Only about 10 min after everyone left the room and I was just getting comfy I felt a gush. There goes my water. The nurse came running in and befor the doc could even get there Leah and Maya were born. They were so cute! They looked like they were sleeping peacefully. Not how I imagined delivering them. I thought they would come out screaming and hollering. I wish that was the case.
What an 18 hours that was. What a journey my life has been since. Self discovery. Self pitty. Falling in love with my hubby all over. Loving and needing God more than I could have ever imagined. I can't even imagine what He has in stor for the rest of my life.
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