My thoughts for the day...

As I sit here at my computer, basking in the sun on this glorious day, I find myself being somewhat philisophical. So (as a disclaimer) I will be rambeling on about some stuff that has been running through my head for the past ohh,.... 6 months or so. I would like to remind you that I am only human. I pray to God every night to help me with these thoughts but that darn Satan keeps creeping back in every now and then.
My little girls were born sleeping. And then, a few months later I lost another baby in a misscarraige. That's my life. Unfortunatly, my little girls never got a chance to breath air. I was not able to hold them while the wiggled around or stretched. I had the horrifing experience of knowing that I was carrying two little girls in my tummy that had passed away some few days earlier. I had to go through labor and deliver them, knowing full well that they were already in heaven. Just thinking about it now brings back all the raw emotion of having to deliver my two little girls that were already sleeping.
I find myself comparing my circumstances to others that I have read or heard about. I noticed that I unintentionaly correct people in conversation on what happened to Leah and Maya or about anything else that has happened to me over the past 8 months. I am sorry. It was rude the way that I said it and my intentions were vicious. I just wish so badly that people would understand that we all do not grieve in the same way. We did not all have the same thing happen to us and that's the way God wants it. Some babies got to breath for a day or two, some just minutes, mine, ... none. No matter the situation we all lost our babies.
I would like to dedicate this post to all the mommies out there that had to let their babies go to heaven too early. All of our life situations are special and unique and, like I said befor, that's how God intended it to be (Whether we like it or not). We are all human and we all make mistakes and think things that we later regret. We just gotta keep the faith and know that God is taking good care of our babies until we get there to hold them again. God will help us get through this and He will take care of us as well.
Thanks for taking the time to read my rambelings. God Bless : )
~Kell

Surprise!

It was about one year ago today when we got the surprise of a life time. We were pregnant!!! Oh my goodness were we excited. I actually didn't get a chance to tell Mike until a while later. He was gone hunting when I got the postive test. I was just ready to burst with elation I had to tell someone so I told all my girlfriends befor I told him or my family : ) Ooops! I was just so excited! It's so hard to describe that feeling when you have wanted a baby for a while and you finally find out that you are going to. Excitement, elation, joy, happieness mixed with a little bit of worry and nervousness. Those girls were so loved and wanted. It's just not fair that they were taken from us so soon!
I have been having a hard time getting ready for the holidays. It's been a mix of what last year was like (telling everyone and the 24/7 sickness...) and what I thought this year was suppose to be like (toting the twins around to see the family, the little girl presents, the FOUR stocking not just two,...) This just isn't what it was suppose to be...

What...

...is going on with our animals?!?! As Mike was gone last week hunting, I took care of the animals (as best as I could : ) While doing some house work, Daisey was outside on her collar. I figured she had been out for a couple hours so I would go get her to come inside. This is what I found...
This was taken through the window. I didn't even open the door. She ended up staying outside for a couple more hours! I should have given her a bath but that girl is so strong and she HATES getting a bath it would have been impossible with just me.

Then I continued on my house work and started making a pie when I heard a thump thump. It sounded like Sophie (our cat) was jumping on something. I ignored it and then heard it again a short time later. So as I went to investigate the noise, this is what I found...

Sophie was drinking out of the toilet!!! Her water dish is about 3 feet from where she was but she decided to jump on the toilet and drink out of that instead. She sat there for a good 5 minutes, looked up at me every now and then but continued to sip out the toilet water. I just couldn't believe it. Our animals are soooo weird!

Life, in general

Well,.. There is not much new to post so I thought that I would post a couple of thoughts that I have had over the past few days.
I have been busy, with life, work (coaching), and the crazy dog. I have gotten so caught up, that sometimes I had forgotten to slow down and take life a little slower. But,... sadly when I started to try to do that the other day, all of the sadness from the loss of Leah and Maya started flooding back. I have been a wreck ever since. I just cannot help but to wonder what my life would have been like now. And how badly I wish they were still here. They were taken wayyy to soon!
I sucks that I have to make an effort to be happy. It sucks that I have to make a concious decision to think about the good things in life. Here is my list:
The awesome weather today and for the next couple days.
The political adds will be over soon! Yah!
My health- well,... just my physical health. I am in good shape but my mental health is another story. We won't get into that.
The wicked good apple carmel pizza that I made today. Wow was that good!
Family and all their support. Thanks guys!
Maybe I should just emmerse myself into life again and forget about 'stoping and smelling the roses.' I have allergies anyways! It just stinks that when I get cought up in life, time flies and befor I know it, it is November. Aghh,...

Light a Candle

Today I lit two candles for my two angels in heaven. I also lit a candle on line if you would like to see it go to: http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/message.cfm?l=eng&cid=6934770 You can go to http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng and click on an unlit candle to lite one for someone else.
This is all on an important day. Infant loss and still birth awareness day. Not that I need a specific day to mourn for my girls but I guess it is just a day that we can all set aside some time and remember the good times (even though they were few due to the short time that they were here on earth) and how badly we miss them.
'We loved and always will love you girls! Love mommy and daddy : )'

Various updates

I have noticed that I left a lot of things hanging on here so I thought that I would do a post to update you all on all my loose ends.
-My pinkey is doing great. I have skipped out on therepy a bunch of times and I think I am just not going to go anymore because I can do everything here at home. I have almost full ROM! Yah! It still hurts when I do my stretches but I have notice huge improvements.
-The whole $50 thing went well the other week. I did perfect until I got to Friday when I realized that I had to take Daisey to the vet. So if you don't count that I did OK. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be!
-Speaking of Daisey, she is getting so big. She weighed 35 pounnds at the vet the other week so I am assuming she is close to 40 now. Is so funny, when I squat down to pet her or something she will lean up against me and just about push me over!

This pic was actually taken about a month ago. I have been lagging in the pic department of her. oops : )

OK, I think you are all updated. Have a great Columbus Day! (Whatever that means. Was it on this day when he found America in 1492? I dunno. Whatever.)

Oh What a Journey

Exactly 6 months ago to the day I begain an 18 hour journey that will live in my heart forever. I hope you don't mind but I would love to share that journey with you hour by hour. Are you ready? Here we go,...
Hour 0- I go into the office to see how my babies are growing. Hopeing to see how big they have gotten and how much they weigh,.. all that good stuff.
Hour 0-1: My life changes forever. My world went from this happy joyful ideal life to your worst possible nightmare. My little Leah and Maya were gone. When it happened, no one will know. I just know that that hour was one of the hardest ever. I cried, hard! I asked the nurse to turn the screen off and Mike held me as the nurse did her ultrasound stuff.
Hour 1-2: The doctors tell me what needs to happen and all the possibilities as to why the passed away. I am still a little blury on this part because I was still in shock.
Hours 2-3: We let the family know and go home to try to figure out what the heck is going on with our lives now. There is no way to prepare yourself for this kind of news. Family comes over to the house a grieves with us. I am exahusted at this point. Just about to pass out from my emotional melt-down.
Hours 3-4: Family leaves so I can try to take a nap and prepare myself for what is about to happen the upcoming night. Yah right. I just laid there rubbing my belly hoping to feel somekind of movement. I kept thinking to myself, if I pray hard enough and rub them enough, maybe I can prove the docs wrong and Leah and Maya will be OK. I don't know what I was thinking that for. Silly I guess.
Hour 5: Mike and I pack our bags and head off to the hospital to deliver the girls. This was really hard. When I had originally planned to go to the hospital to deliver the girls, I would have had a diaper bag, a car seat in the car, the nursery all set,... Not an overnight bag with a couple of toiletries.
Hours 5-10: The nurse checks me in and gets th IV going. My doc checks on me regularly. More family comes and goes. No progress and very uneventful so I said everyone can just go home and we will see you in the morning. I was sure that I was going to be there a long time.
Hours 10-13: Time crawls by and I try to sleep. I got a few cat naps but I just couldn't get a good snooze in whith everything that was going on. No real progress.
Hour 14: I started feeling clammy and yucky so the nurse suggested that I try the tub. Sure. It felt really good! The only thing was that I was freezing when I got out. I hated walking to and from the tub (through the halls) because I saw all the other preg girls laboring and walking. Oh how I wish I could have been in their shoes. Seeing them made my emotions go crazy again too.
Hour 15-16: Contractions really started to set in but I thought I could handel it so I just breathed through them.
Hour 17: Contractions are about :30sec apart and I can't hardly catch my breath inbetween so I ask for the epidural. He got there really quickly and scolded me for waiting so long. I just wanted to rip him a new one. Did he know what I was going through. 'I am sorry but I really don't want to be delivering these girls right now, thankyou very much. Just give me the meds so I can relax alright!?!!" That goes well and my legs go numb.
Hour 18: Only about 10 min after everyone left the room and I was just getting comfy I felt a gush. There goes my water. The nurse came running in and befor the doc could even get there Leah and Maya were born. They were so cute! They looked like they were sleeping peacefully. Not how I imagined delivering them. I thought they would come out screaming and hollering. I wish that was the case.
What an 18 hours that was. What a journey my life has been since. Self discovery. Self pitty. Falling in love with my hubby all over. Loving and needing God more than I could have ever imagined. I can't even imagine what He has in stor for the rest of my life.